Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
