you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
