I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
