The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
