Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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