Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
