Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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