sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
