margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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