I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
