I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
