giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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