she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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