He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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