Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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