I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I think I just sharted jello shots
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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