I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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