I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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