i wish my penis had a tongue
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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