We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
