I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
