woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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