I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
