i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
