Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
