The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
