When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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