I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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