just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
