there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
