I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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