and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
