I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
