News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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