shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
