Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
