Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
