i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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