This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize