i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
