since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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