Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
