Someone shit on the floor
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
