one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
