i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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