i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
