she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize