I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
