Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
