Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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