I hope mine doesn't look like that
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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