Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
