well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
