shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How naked do you want me to be?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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