i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
