you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
