There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
